Tired of Being Afraid

Man, I'm tired. I'm tired of walking around this place with full armor on. I'm tired of holding up a shield in preparation for the next onslaught of racist/sexist/elitist bull shit. I don't like the person this place turns me into. I'm defensive, I'm suspicious and I'm angry. I try to wake up every morning with a smile on my face but stepping out on the cold, hard Boston asphalt everyday eventually takes it's toll.

I walk into a restaurant, a store or any other place of business and I feel like an intruder. Like I shouldn't be there. Conversations stop, voices are lowered, stares. I walk around feeling like a stranger, like a foreigner in my own country. I just don't belong here. I feel like we've overstayed our welcome ya'll. The world is big. Why should we continue to beg to be accepted in a place where we're just not wanted? My mom taught me not to remain in places where I wasn't wanted. We Ain't Wanted.

I mean, struggle is struggle wherever you go. You struggle to make money, to do well in school, to be healthy, to take care of your family, to find love and keep it... But, should we be struggling this hard just to exist? Just to go through the day without feeling like we're at war? I don't know if this is what He meant for us.

We are a resilient people. And yes, we've come a long way. But not far enough. I hate to sound defeatist but maybe it's time to move on. If "A Change Gonna Come", it needs to happen soon or I'm afriad I might lose it. And ya know? my sanity is worth a lot more to me than my loyalty to the good ole U.S. of A.

This weekend, Kindred and I were fortunuate enough to catch the tail end of the South End Film Festival. On a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon we headed out of the dungeon on the #1 bus. When we reached 500 Harrison Ave. we were surprised to find a makeshift theater encassed in a huge warehouse. The evening was well spent watching shorts and independent films, many of which were Boston based.

Our favorite film for various reasons was entitled BALLOONHAT. This documentary follows the travels of Balloon twister Addi Somekh and photographer Charlie Eckert through 34 countries. Fed up with the bombardment of negative images in the media the two set off to travel the planet and bring people joy through balloon hats.

The balloonhat project demonstrated how poeple in the worst situations, suffering through the worst circumstances, just wanted to be happy and that everyone could experience joy; that there is happiness and beauty in the world although at times it doesn't seem like it. In many instances, they could not speak the language of the people and the only way they could communicate were through the balloons and the smiles on the faces of the people who were receiving them. The balloonhats added a sense of humanness to people, it made the most intimidating, scary person, look sensitive and vulnerable.

I was once again inspired by the common bonds and strength of human nature across the globe; through struggles and hardship, at the end of the day, we all just want to be happy.

Thank You. Thank you for not calling. Thank you for not caring. Your fear of being a man and pick up the phone and let me know what's good may be exactly what I needed. Your insecurities, your indecisiveness, your inconsideration... may be the kick in the ass I was looking for. Thank You for yearning me for only as long as it took you to get close to me. I thought the Tom and Jerry went out of style with Filas ya'll! I thought we were grown ass folks. But. I ain't mad. That's why I say, thank you. This may be the wake up call I was waiting on. The wake up call that says, "Giiirl please!"

I need an awakening ya'll. I need to be inspired. I need to exhale... and, well, sexin just ain't cuttin it. Man... men just ain't cuttin it! There's gotta be something else, something more. I feel like I'm in a hole and the harder I try to dig out of it physically... the deeper I fall through. There's gotta be something more. Something deeper, something metaphysical. There's gotta be. I gotta find it. Cuz if not... I'm afraid.

Go head Sarah...

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

Phenomenal Women

I'm usually not a huge fan of Oprah. Many times, her show topics seem completely irrevelent to me, my life and the issues of my people. Nevertheless, while channel surfing at 1:00 a.m. this morning, Oprah was on and for the next hour, I was choked with inspiration.

Her first guest was Queen Rania of Jordan. At the age of 36 she is the youngest Queen in the world. With beautiful honey brown hair and a dazzling smile, Queen Rania gladly challenges traditional perceptions of Arab royalty. Dedicated to making the world a better place for women and children through education and empowerment, her majesty is truly inspirational.

"Educate a woman and educate a family, educate a girl and educate the future... One of the most important things you can do for a girl is to empower her with her education. Once she has the education, she can then have control over her income, she can change her life, she can have choices."

A businesswoman, mother and wife, Rania remains on the forefront of international politics. Intelligent and captivating, she refuses to remain in the shadow of her husband, King Hussein of Jordan. Queen Rania believes in being global citizens; learning about other cultures and religions, questioning and thinking for ourselves.

Across the globe, women are all fighting for the same things; a mother wants the best for her children, a wife wants to be loved and respected by her husband and a woman wants to be treated equally by society. "Once you go beyond the mannerisms, the language, the cultural idiosyncrasies, you realize that you're basically the same."

Oprah's second guest was Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, who at the age of 67 became the new president of Liberia and Africa's first female president. Johnson-Sirleaf received her masters at Harvard University. Upon returning to her country, she was jailed twice for speaking out against the military regime, and exiled to Kenya. When she returned in 1997, she ran for president against corrupt leader Charles Taylor and lost. Nine years later, on January 16th, she was sworn in as President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf

Amongst the overwhelming tasks that lay ahead of her, including stabilizing Liberia's economy and eliminating the rule of lawlessness and war that has reigned for over a decade, the president also has a solid agenda for educating and empowering Liberian girls. With motherly grace, has also taken a strong stand on a topic that still remains taboo in much of Africa- rape. She has already passed new legislation making it illegal.

"The administration must endeavor to give Liberian women prominence in all affairs of our country. We will empower Liberian women in all areas of our national life. We will support and increase the weight of laws that restore their dignity and deal drastically with crimes that dehumanize them. We will encourage all families to educate all children, particularly the girl-child."

Maybe It's Love...

Maybe it's love. Maybe what my sexual encounters are lacking isn't physical at all. When I think about it, most of "the great ones" have been men that I had a connection with. Men that I felt something for. I mean, it didn't always start out that way.... but eventually... maybe it's love. Maybe it's that stuff that brings you to tears, when you're riding that wave, and you're clutching each others bodies so tightly it hurts, cuz that shit feels so good you think you might spontaneously combust in each others grips... Maybe it's love. Maybe love is what makes the difference between the Spiderman ride... and the Teacups.

Puppy Love

A few weeks ago, my thirteen year old sister approached me with a coy expression on her face and excitement in her voice, and said to me, "Marly, I have a boyfriend!" " Oh really," I replied, "well, what exactly does that mean?". "Well" she explains giddily, "we talk on the phone, he waits for me between classes, and we go to the movies on the weekends... that's about it."

A week later she returns and says, "Marly, I broke up with my boyfriend." "Why?" I asked her. "He failed his math test," she replied.

Remember the days when love and relationships were easy?

Another rainy day in the Bean... streets are flooded... busy streets jammed with colorful metal structures of all shapes and sizes, controlled by angry creatures.... faces contorted with rage and impatience. on the sidewalks, other creatures trudge around with colorful galoshes and umbrellas. Heads down for protection from the nickel sized raindrops, they don't notice me, noticing them... hold up... de ja vu.... as I watch them, I can't help but wonder where they're going? What's the hurry? What are they going through? Rainy days have a funny way of making everything look surreal. Maybe it's because of how relentless and merciless New England rainfalls can be. Makes me realize... how very small and insignificant we are as individuals... not in a "we ain't shit" type of way but in the... wow, in the scheme of life, in the history of the world, we're but a speckle... cuz it don't really matter how hard we wish, or how many sun dances we do... the rain will end... when it wants. entire tribes have perished because the rain wasn't tryin to hear them and there have been others that have disappeared because the rain just wouldn't go away. drowning all hopes of a fruitful crop season.

Ya know, no matter how upset people make me... no matter how rude the woman at the counter is or the man on the phone is... I always try to have some sort of sympathy for humanity. I mean... we all just tryin to make it. We all here tryin to fight the rain, sometimes for it... other times against it. And it don't matter how good you think you got it. or how much better off you think someone else is... in the scheme of things... the rain will fall for as long and for as hard as it wants to. So you gotta sympathize... cuz we all gettin soaked.... thoroughly drenched... by life. But. It's not that bad. sun gotta come out eventually.

SAY WHAT?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&eurl

My Ladies...

Being in "the dungeon" these past couple of weeks and spending time with my s have made me really thoughtful lately and I've come to the realization that I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the strong, beautiful, amazing black women that I call my friends. Growing up, I moved around so much that I became quite introverted and never made friends too easily. In high school I had two girlfriends, only one of which I am still friends with. It took me five years at NU to cultivate these wonderful bonds with these women and it was worth it.

Looking back on the past five years, I can see how I've grown up from freshmen year... a young girl who was begging to be corrupted to senior year... a woman looking to corrupt! My ladies have seen me through it.

They've all come in at different parts of the journey and although most of them don't know it, they have all atributed to the Marly that I am today and the Marly I continue to strive to become tomorrow. These women constantly inspire and motivate me to "be me and be free". They have taught me to love myself and how to demand to be respected by others. They have showed me the difference between sexual freedom and sexual looseness. They have taught me how to love life and how to stand up for myself and the people I love. They taught me how to be a woman.

Funny, beautiful, confident, bold while at the same time sensitive, loving and in tuned with the problems and issues of the people around them, my ladies know when to speak up and know when to fall back. They handle the messiest, ugliest situations with pride and class and with a head held high, always. My ladies...

Although in the next few months each of us might have to turn our different ways on this journey called life, I will always hold my ladies and the lessons they've taught me close to my heart.

Scandal

Scandal seems to be walking in my shadows these past couple of weeks.... can't say that I'm not enjoying it though! hehehe (devilish laugh) So things are looking up. A new chocolate treat has dropped in my lap and I must admit I'm pretty excited about it... Sometimes what you've been searching far and wide for, is right around the corner. But... we'll see. In other news, hustlin season is starting late as I have still not found a summer job nor have I heard anything back from all the resumes I sent out for jobs in Philly. Only time will tell I guess.

I'm sorry to harp but something must be done about these men with no shame. I mean really. Some of the dudes are just down right HORRIBLE!! and then they have the AUDACITY to call my phone and try to get up with me. WTF?! Have you no shame? How do you NOT know that you SUCK? I mean I just don't get it. If I never called you back and I walked away from our experience with a nauseous (sp?) look on my face, that means that I DID NOT ENJOY IT! I try to be a nice person, I try not to hurt people's feelings. But damnit all that is bout to end. Dudes need to be shamed! From now on, if you suck, I will tell you that you suck. I will no longer avoid your phone calls and hope I don't run into you. I will tell you in the nicest, politest way possible, that your is wack and your a waste of dick and I'd really appreciate it if you never called me again... have a great day!

So I'm officially a college graduate. What exactly that means, I'm not so sure yet. According to most, it means that now I'm supposed to have it all figured out. I'm supposed to find a good paying job, work 9-5 and start husband hunting. As far as I'm concerned... none of that is gonna happen any time soon. My staying in the country this summer, is as much a commitment that I care to give right now. All I know is that a lot of things are gonna change for a lot of people in the next few months. The Baccaulaureate (sp?) at the 'tute was really emotional. I didn't expect there to be so many tears from so many people. People who I didn't even think could produce tears were crying. It goes to show that you never really know what people are going through or what they are hiding behind their masks.

Of Men and Sex...

It's really getting out of control... It has to end. How is it that sex... or rather, the attainment of sex... has taken over my life? With graduation 2 days away, instead of my future and a career, visions of hard penises and earth shattering orgasms have taken over my brain waves. The worst part is... there's nothing I can do about it! It seems as though I am clueless when it comes to selecting GD (good dick). Absolutely clueless. And it feels as though the older I get, the worst my selections become. I'll just blame it on Boston. I just need to leave this damn city and find a whole new crop of men. Fine, sexy, educated, black men with big hard dicks that can bang my back out. Excuse my explicitness but that's just the type of mood I'm in right now. My sexual looseness needs some refinement. I mean, I'm all for being as freaky as you wanna be. I am certifiably try-sexual (I'll try anything once). But how can I develop the sexual beast I know lurks within without a proper partner to help me bring it out?

The idea of celibacy has crossed my mind a few times. But... it's really not a realistic option. I love sex way too much. Celibacy is an attractive option simply because I like the idea of being free of the chains of dick and possibly maybe even reach some clarity in dealing with some of the other things going on in my life these days... ie. homelessness, joblessness, etc. Anyways, I'll probably be forced into celibacy if things don't change soon.

I'm starting to understand a little better my bad selection in men. I don't think I have high enough standards. If a guy is sexy enough, he can basically get it. I never consider that older, sophisticated men would be interested in me. Not that I don't know I'm fly and all, I guess I'm just intimidated. That's probably why I'm always robbing cradles. I dunno man. I think that celibacy may be what I need soo that I can clear my head and refine my ideas of acceptablility when it comes to men and sex.