I lost my best friend,or, maybe... She lost me.
It hurts a lot more than my pride will let me show.
Does this punishment fit my crime? .... I dont' think so.
So many books and songs on boyfriend heartbreaks, but what about best friend heartbreaks?
Am I a bad friend? Good to laugh with but useless for anything else?
Selfish? Disrespectful? Inconsiderate?
Evil words thrown by someone I thought knew me better...
Maybe she does... and I really am ...
Was I not there for her... thin and thick?
How come she took so long to let me know that our friendship was so easily disposable?
Then maybe I wouldn't've let myself get so close. We could've left it at "buddies" status... avoided the whole BFF thing all together.
Then this wouldn't feel so bad.
Attempts at brushing it off are ushered away by memories of 5 years of laughter and tears.
I mean, is that even allowed?
Isn't there some sort of clause in the BFF contract that says, "Cannot terminate unelss muturally agreed upon by both parties"?
What hurts the most is the heffa had the audacity to say to me, "I have no problem being cordial to you." Cordial?! Like I was some wack ass dude who fucked her wrong! Cordial?! You can keep that.
Naw, i don't wanna talk about it... that's why I blogged about it.

Self Diagnosis: Multiple Personalities

Remember when you were little? and you found an ant running around minding it's own business... you picked it up and and held it. You cupped your two hands together and peeked through to see what that ant was doing under there. And when you looked he was frantically running in circles. Up and down each finger. Looking for a way out. Ants are busy bugs. They stay working; carrying food, making tunnels. You kept that lil ant away from his job and he wanted to get away. Cupped between your palms, nothing else mattered but getting out and going back to work.

I felt trapped today... caged in, locked up

This job searching ish is the biggest issue. I feel like since I've graduated... the moment I walked across that stage, I relinquished all rights to bummin it. Certain words from my vocab were instantly banished- unemployed... time off... Ramen noodles. I abandoned three beings I had come to know and love so well- vagabondhood, nomadness and hobodom. In class we learned about old school forms of crime and punishment. Remember the one where they tied each one of the person's limbs to a different horse and had them run in different directions? Yea. That feeling.

There's like parts of me that are ready to run, to be out. To live my life... whatever that means. To be a grown up, a big girl. That's the part that spends hours online job searching. Trying to get up outta this here nest. Then. There's the other parts. The ones that long for sameness, comfort, safety. That's the chic that spends the weekends at home with her sisters, swimming, jumping rope and having moms take care of all the details. Then there's this other heffa who wants free love, good herb, the beach... oh and to save the world. That's the one who bounces once it starts getting frigid up here and spends a few months volunteering, tanning, meeting amazing people and having amazing experiences on the shores of this pretty planet.

They're ripping me apart. I know it's possible to reconcile this feud so everyone's happy but... this limbo period really sux.

OOOOooo on the TLC Tip....

Damn yo, watching VH1 Soul this afternoon got me feeling nostaligic as a mutha! That TLC joint "What About Your Friends" came on and I was 10 all over again. I was surprised to notice that back in da day, people in videos actually looked like they were having fun. No mean muggin thugs. No too fly to smile chics. Before that gritty, sweaty, grimey look, T-Boz, Left Eye (R.I.P) and Chilli, kept it flavorful with cross colours; reds, greens and yellows, hella baggy jeans, compulsory condom eye patches, and floppy hats 2 da back. The hottest video chics danced comfortably in their baggy jeans and flannels. Before being a video hoe became a profession and dance skill was determined by how well a chic pulled off the Beyonce booty bounce in 6 inch stilletos. Even the dudes looked like they were feelin it. So what is it that inspired video making then compared to what inspires it now? Maybe they were moved more by the music they were making and less by whatever image they were trying to sell to the viewers. Back in da day music videos were fun and now... well now I watch a video and walk away feeling insulted and embarressed. The recipe for a quality video which used to include originality and creativity have been erased and replaced with ass shaking and bottle poppin. Most of them have the same formula: unbeweavable-scantily clad,-big booty dancers plus bling, bling-ice grill-illiterate rappers add a few bottles of Moet and you got yourself a rap video... just make sure nobody looks like they're having too much fun. Music and trends will continue to change with the times. Could it get any worst?