Self Diagnosis: Multiple Personalities

Remember when you were little? and you found an ant running around minding it's own business... you picked it up and and held it. You cupped your two hands together and peeked through to see what that ant was doing under there. And when you looked he was frantically running in circles. Up and down each finger. Looking for a way out. Ants are busy bugs. They stay working; carrying food, making tunnels. You kept that lil ant away from his job and he wanted to get away. Cupped between your palms, nothing else mattered but getting out and going back to work.

I felt trapped today... caged in, locked up

This job searching ish is the biggest issue. I feel like since I've graduated... the moment I walked across that stage, I relinquished all rights to bummin it. Certain words from my vocab were instantly banished- unemployed... time off... Ramen noodles. I abandoned three beings I had come to know and love so well- vagabondhood, nomadness and hobodom. In class we learned about old school forms of crime and punishment. Remember the one where they tied each one of the person's limbs to a different horse and had them run in different directions? Yea. That feeling.

There's like parts of me that are ready to run, to be out. To live my life... whatever that means. To be a grown up, a big girl. That's the part that spends hours online job searching. Trying to get up outta this here nest. Then. There's the other parts. The ones that long for sameness, comfort, safety. That's the chic that spends the weekends at home with her sisters, swimming, jumping rope and having moms take care of all the details. Then there's this other heffa who wants free love, good herb, the beach... oh and to save the world. That's the one who bounces once it starts getting frigid up here and spends a few months volunteering, tanning, meeting amazing people and having amazing experiences on the shores of this pretty planet.

They're ripping me apart. I know it's possible to reconcile this feud so everyone's happy but... this limbo period really sux.